guest

S: My biggest fear in life is immaculate conception. My second biggest fear is pregnancy by the normal means.

talent show

T actually sang these lyrics to “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee”:

Look at me, I’m Tiffany
Lousy with virginity
Won’t go to bed ’til I’m legally wed
I can’t; I’m Tiffany

Watch it! Hey I’m Doris Day
I was not brought up that way
Won’t come across,
Even Rock Hudson lost
His heart to Doris Day

I don’t drink (no)
Or swear (no)
I don’t straighten my hair (eew)
I get ill from one cigarette (coughs on teddy bear)
(cough, cough, cough)
Keep your filthy paws (picks up bear)
Off my silky draws
Would you pull that crap with Annette? (throws bear down)

As for you Kevin Jonas, (sings at poster behind her)
I know what you wanna do
You got your crust
I’m no object of lust
I’m just plain Tiffany

Chris Brown, Chris Brown, let me be! (sings at poster next to her)
Keep your pelvis close to me!
Just keep your cool
Now your starting to drool
Hey Fongool (gestures to poster of guy from Hannah Montana), I’m Tiffany!

—-

H’s note: I have video…will sell to highest bidder

guest appearance

M: Covert lunches to avoid the penis hungry…on the next Montel.

RIP Paul Newman

H: I cannot understand how my grandparents are not in a perpetual state of fear…of death.

senior thesis

T: Nobody is attracted to anybody else’s genitalia. But it’s not as much about being attracted to female genitalia as it is being unattracted to male genitalia. Plus, female genitalia doesn’t do things that male genitalia does, like…flop.