As for our celebration, it will not include Chinese food, because T does not like Chinese food (think LFO’s “Summer Girls”: “Chinese food makes me sick/And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer”) but there will be Chinese grandparents, courtesy of me.

yes…I’m cool with you stalking me on twitter: http://twitter.com/ladyheather217. I’m trying to become one of those people who updates constantly. But even the randomness of my mind isn’t all that interesting.

love, h

It’s exam week around these parts and that’s a perfectly good reason to assume they’ll be posting more.  However, H and T have completely opposite schedules which means they’re never around each other anymore.

Fear not, avid reader. There is a celebration planned that involves Rock Band, any food but Chinese food, and grandparents. Surely hilarity will ensue.

As for next year, there’s no predicting the future of this handy little site.  T will have a job (hopefully) and H will be a busy senior, planning her illustrious future (most likely becoming some high profile lawyer with a million cases and a million dollars).

If you’d like to keep up with either of them on a more regular basis, follow them on Twitter. H, if you approve, feel free to post your link.

TTFN FANZ!

T Twitter:  twitter.com/tleigh

T’s hubby (dials last received call on T’s phone): Hello? Who is this?
H: Who is this? You called me.
T’s hubby: My name is ______. I believe you just got off the phone with my wife.
H: Yes, my name’s H. I was T’s college roommate. Can I help you?
T’s hubby: Well, as soon as she got off the phone with you, she burst into tears, said she was leaving me and ran to pack her bags. I’ve tried to ask her what’s wrong, but she’s locked me out of our room.
H: What do you think caused this?
T’s hubby: I don’t know! One minute everything was fine, the next she gets off the phone and just keeps saying over and over, “You’re Jacob!” And my name isn’t Jacob.
H: I think I know what she’s talking about…but I didn’t think it would be this bad.
T’s hubby: You do? Explain!
H: Well, when we were in college, we were totally in love with Edward Cullen, and modeled our expectations of the perfect men we wanted to marry after him.
T’s hubby: Edward Cullen? Did he play basketball at Carolina? I don’t know the name.
H: You never read Twilight???
T’s hubby: What? Oh, that ridiculous book about zombies or something? Wasn’t that for preteens?
H: Vampires, and keep your opinions to yourself. Anyway, story is girl named Bella meets Edward Cullen, most perfect man/vampire EVER, but she has a best friend, Jacob, who is a werewolf.
T’s hubby: Werewolf? Really? This sounds stupid.
H: Want to know why your wife’s leaving you?
T’s hubby: …
H: Problem is, Jacob’s in love with Bella too. And she can’t decide how she feels about him for the two middle books, kind of strings him along when Edward leaves her for a while, and eventually picks Edward even though she’ll always love Jacob too. Anyway, Jacob ends up falling in love with Bella and Edward’s child, but that’s not the point.
T’s hubby: And what does this have to do with me?
H: On March 25, 2009, T and I made a pact that when one of us got married, the other would ask two very important questions. 1) Are you marrying Edward Cullen? (definitely the more important of the two) 2) Are you marrying your Edward Cullen? Since I missed your wedding, and the birth of your six children in the following years, and T and I have only recently gotten in touch thanks to Facebook having contractual obligations to us for the past ten years, we asked each other today.
T’s hubby: So…what does that mean?
H: Well, I don’t know. After I asked her, she said she had to go but she’d call me back in a couple of hours.
T’s hubby: So she’s screaming, “You’re Jacob!” because…I’m her best friend?
H: No, she’s screaming that because you’re not her Edward.
T’s hubby: But Jacob loved her, right? And she loved him too?
H: But he wasn’t Edward. Jacob can never be Edward. And I’m sorry, but everyone deserves to find their Edward. Goodbye, and I wish you the best. (hangs up)
T’s hubby: I refuse to get dumped because of a young adult book…T, I love you! Let’s talk about this rationally…

To be continued….

You write the ending! What will happen? Will T stay with her husband and learn to love her “Jacob”? Will T’s hubby change from Jacob to Edward? And, what’s up with H’s life? What was the answer to the two questions when T asked them?

H: Oh yeah?

T: A man with a truck.

H: Okay…?

T: Like Noah Calhoun. He’s perfect. He built his own house, and he had a truck.

H: And a canoe. That was awesome.

T: Right. I need to find someone just like him.

H:  A man with a canoe?

T: No! A man with a truck.

T: I fell in love with one of them.

H: I thought you were already in love with one of them.

T: Andrew?

H: The one with the funny name.

T: Mikush?

H: No.

T: Anoop?

H: No. (gives patronizing stare)

T: Steve?

So, among the other numerous characteristics that we share, T and I are continually discussing our love-hate relationship with Taylor Swift and her oh-so-catchy songs. However, we’re having some difficulty getting around the plot in her new-ish single “Love Story.” It seems simple enough, right? It’s about doomed lovers Romeo and Juliet. They meet at a party, are driven apart by parents, sneak around parents and eventually die because of a miscommunication. You might ask, why would Taylor Swift write a song about one of the most tragic literary romances of time? (Ignoring the fact she should have enough of her own to write about, without needing historical reference.)

Well, it might be because Taylor not only cuts the story off where they’re happy and getting married, but also CHANGES it significantly, making the entire rest of Shakespeare’s work unnecessary. Example A, last verse:

“Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that’s all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story, baby just say yes”

Analysis: Creative license for the proposal is fine – I don’t know how hard it is to put iambic pentameter to song. However, does anyone think that after hating the Montagues for generations, Signor Capulet would just like, “okay, Romeo, just because you love my daughter that much, go ahead and marry her. I’m happy for you kids.” No. He wouldn’t. So, by adding that little line, Taylor just completely changed all of Act 4 and 5, and instead Romeo and Juliet go off in marital bliss A few years later, she pops out a couple of kids, he gets a gut and does the Renaissance equivalent of sitting on the couch watching TV all day…and you get the point? Totally uninteresting.

In honor of this, T and I came up with other things to “Swift” (if you still don’t get the word, it means to completely change a historical (love) story to suit a song, and therefore make it inaccurate and uninteresting). Here we go!

1. TITANIC

Song version of Titanic (we’re going with the love story in the movie for this one). How about the story stays the same for the first fourth of the movie or so. Jack is poor, Rose is rich, she has a d-bag fiance who orders her around, Jack and Rose meet and hang out below decks, he draws her naked, etc. etc. Now, for the Swifted change, they’re running away from Cal’s evil henchmen, but instead of going to have sex in a car below decks, they go have sex in a lifeboat. Well, little iceberg watch people notice this, and are being total creepers, but lo and behold, right beyond the view of this particular lifeboat, they see the faint outline of an icebeg. They call the bridge, alert the captain, who steers out of the way, and the Titanic never hits an iceberg. It arrives in New York just fine, Jack and Rose live a spontaneous yet unfulfilled life because they never had to test their love in the face of a distaster.

Cons: you can’t drag your hand across a steamy window if you’re in a lifeboat.

2. ATONEMENT

Our first thought was to get rid of the little sister all together. Then we realized there was no story, so we couldn’t do that. So we settled for the chocolate factory man not to rape their cousin. We’ll say he doesn’t even come with Leon to dinner. Then, the obnoxious little sister wouldn’t have been suspicious of anything, no sex in the library would have been interrputed, and Robbie wouldn’t have been incorrectly framed. He wouldn’t have gone to prison, and he and Cecilia would emigrate to America to  escape the pressure they face between class differences. He wouldn’t go to war, and she wouldn’t be in a subway tunnel during an air raid. So, they become American citizens and live in the Midwest for the rest of their lives.

Cons: WWII would still happen, no matter what. Even Taylor couldn’t write around that.

3. THE ILIAD/TROY

There are a couple ways to write around this one. 1) Paris steals Helen and Menelaus is like, whatevs, that incredibly effeminate boy with the stupid dip-dyed robes can have my wife. There are plenty more to choose from in the world. So there’s no war, Achilles never gets hit in the foot and he’s still around today, wandering confusedly around Times Square. But again, that leaves us with…no story. So, how about the war continues the way it actually did (or did in the movie), except Brad Pitt’s cousin/boyfriend in the story doesn’t get killed and because of that, they’re in a different place during that last end battle. So he and the actress who ran off with director Robert Rodrieguez live happily for a little bit on his awesome island, until the “New Moon”-ish battle overtakes them – what happens when he’s immortal and she’s not? Biting her neck won’t really do anyone any good, so basically, once she realizes that, she wallows around in grief for the rest of her life.

Cons: nothing for Latin students to do in high school.

4. ROMAN HOLIDAY

First of all, George Peppard would be in this one too. Making smoking look hot. Instead of the bittersweet ending where he sees her at the press conference all regal, knowing she’s doing what she has to, she runs off the podium into his arms and decides she loves him more than she wants to be cooped up as a princess.They live happy and contented, but she gets frustrated with his callous journalist behavior and demeanor, and suspects him of planning to write a tell-all novel, “I convinced the Princess to leave the throne for me.” Like any other wife of the 50s, she quietly does nothing.

Cons: Breakfast at Tiffany’s wouldn’t have to be made.

THE LAST WORD:

“It’s not fun unless someone dies.” – T, on Shakespeare’s writing motivations.

by H, TSD Staff Writer

CHAPEL HILL, NC – TSD NEWS SERVICES – INCONSISTENT FCC CENSORING CONFUSES RADIO LISTENERS

The government often makes confusing and strange decisions, but among the most confusing agencies lies the Federal Communications Commission, whose influence in television and radio censorship affects millions of technology users every day. Recently, FCC radio censorship has become increasingly more random, allowing some “offensive” words yet dismissing others.

While listening to G105′s “Club 105″ one Friday night, frequent listener T noticed that several popular songs had words removed, while questionable themes and concepts – often racy or violent – were continued.

“FCC, what were you thinking?” T asked, in reference to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s use of “hoes” in the early 90s. “But you can’t say ‘crack’.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC – TSD NEWS SERVICES – READERS OF WOMEN’S MAGAZINES EVALUATE TECHNIQUES TO PLEASE MEN

Women’s magazine Cosmopolitan often includes margin notes for women – including last-minute beauty tips, fashion advice and newly-created seduction tips. While some women pass over these notes in favor of front-page articles, they often include a wealth of information for the new seductress. Recently, Cosmo suggested stripping techniques for women, to give men a “preview.”

Along with clothing suggestions, Cosmo recommended a Guitar Hero favorite as soundtrack: Guns N’ Roses “Sweet Child of Mine.” However, is this guy-friendly power rock a good song to remove your clothes by, or would it remind your man to tune you out and reach for his plastic guitar (no pun intended)?

“I think it would be a good song (to strip to),” said T. TSD News Services was not able to confirm a confirmation date when she would try this for a follow up.

COPYRIGHT 2009 TSD – THE SKETCHY DOOR

love,

H

Jake Gyllenhall

Zac Efron (not sure he can grow facial hair)

President Barack Obama (cause he’s president, duh)

Leonardo DiCaprio (titanic-era leo)

John Krasinski

Matt Damon

Ben Affleck

James McAvoy

Ed Westwick (you just can’t hide that jawline)

John Stamos (as Uncle Jesse, because in the present-day, he looks like Rufus Humphrey, which is a bad thing)

Penn Badgley (same about the jawline)

Matt LeBlanc

Matthew Perry

Adam Brody (just Google him with a beard. it’s gross)

James Franco (hot damn)

James Marsden

men who look best with scruff:

Patrick Dempsey

Jack from Lost (Matthew Fox)

Brad Pitt

Eric McCormack (without it he looks gay)

Robert Pattinson (the only reason we watched Harry Potter 4 again)

Justin Chambers (Alex Karev)

men who look best with a beard:

Johnny Depp (didn’t think anyone really could pull off a full mustache)

Eric Dane (McSteamy)

Orlando Bloom

undecided:

John Mayer (T: clean, H: scruff)

Chace Crawford (T: clean, H: scruff)