live-ish oscars blogging: H and guest S

mmmmmmm....

7:54pm

S: according to perez, robert pattinson is presenting at the oscars

H: omg

H: I’m not watching so you have to tell me when it’s on

S: okay

H: hahah

S: hahaha

S: why don’t you put it on mute?

8:13pm

H: I’m going to leave it on

8:15pm

H: I want to be married to someone going to the oscars

H: cause they’d be like, introduce your date

S: hahahah

S: yeah

H: preferably zac, of couse

H: *course

S: well you’re going to marry zac

S: hahaha

H: exactly

S: i want to go to the oscars

H: you can marry robert pattinson

S: i’m completely fine with that plan

H: k cool

H: we can hang out

S: how exciting

8:46pm

S: goldie hawn is a mess

S: tilda whatever her name is looks really bad in that color

H: a lot of what she wears is really scary

S: i know!

H: she’s actually pretty scary looking

H: I want to win an oscar!

S: she really is, she needs color

S: me too!

S: let’s do it

S: after we write our screenplay

H: maybe we could win that one, right

H: instead of acting

8:48pm

S: i feel like i’ve only seen non-oscar nominated movies this year

9:15pm

H: oooh daniel craig

S: hahahaha

S: your fav

H: her boobs are completely hanging out

S: yeah

S: i don’t like that dress really

H: me either

9:25 (the appearance of robert pattinson!)

H: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

S: aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

H: he looks so scary

H: but awesome

S: and hot

H: and hot

S: it’s because he’s look down

H: yes that’s why

S: hot

S: i hope he presents like 10 times like sjp

H: he is so attractive

H: me too

H: well you know what I meant

S: i know, he really is

H: that came out weird

S: hahah

H: not nights in rodanthe

S: why don’t we go back to showing him?

9:28pm (romance montage)

H: that was a lot to take

S: yes

S: a lot

S: ok and why did they get rid of rob pat?

S: that wasn’t enough

H: I know! three high school musical clips but only one twilight? lame

S: ahhh

S: no there were 3 hsm

S: i mean twilight

H: I saw the meadow

H: what were the others

S: one on the grass (meadow), one where they were on her bed kissing, and then when she saw him across the parking lot before she got hit

H: how the hell did I miss those other two?

H: ugh

S: i don’t know!

S: the bed one was hard to see

H: I really don’t know why hsm3 got three clips though

S: hahaha

S: i know right

H: like, did anyone watching the oscars all over the country except us actually like that movie?

S: omg seriously

9:56pm (musical showcase)

H: omg omg

S: omg

H: ps what is she wearing

S: it’s ugly

S: i love zac

H: me too!

S: i’m glad they put hsm in there, i feel like it makes them more respected

S: because the movie is well done, and i think they deserve credit for it

H: they’re really tried to do that all night

H: exactly

H: like so many people pass over it because it’s part of the group of them

H: but they did a great job

H: show zac more!

S: i know!

S: he looks silly with the top hat

H: and the slicked back hair

S: of course

S: perez: – Could have done without Vanessa.
- Feature Zac more!!!!!!!

10:08pm (best supporting actor)

H: yay!

H: and sad too

S: i know!

S: i’m glad he won though

H: me too

S: it wouldn’t have been right otherwise

S: exactly

10:27pm

H: okay these awards are not fun

S: yeah they’re boring

10:53pm

S: zac

H: what?

H: nooooo

H: yes!!!!

S: hahahahahaha

H: he looks so good

S: yeah he does

S: ok what were you asking?

H: never mind

S: he’s still presenting!

H: I know!

S: aww

H: but my brother’s talking to me

H: ahhhhhhh

S: hahaha

S: what is he saying

H: nothing as interesting

S: you can’t tell him zac is on?

H: I was going to ask him a question

H: that would be rude

S: hahah

H: go away ryan

S: hahahah

11:48pm

bored updating the live posts. general reflections:

- yay for Kate Winslet. we’ve never heard of that random woman in the category. we want to be angelina jolie. sophia loren is looking rough.

- more rob pat behind someone else! is that his mom with him?

- brad pitt needs to shave.

- sean penn, this is not the place for politics. your speech was too long.

-slumdog millionare’s definitely going to win.

- yep. won.

time for all the homework we didn’t do.

silly love songs

H: You went to the Clef concert, tonight, right? How was it?

T: I fell in love with one of them.

H: I thought you were already in love with one of them.

T: Andrew?

H: The one with the funny name.

T: Mikush?

H: No.

T: Anoop?

H: No. (gives patronizing stare)

T: Steve?

How to “Swift” an important historical story, event or legend

No, not “Swift Boat.” That’s so 2004.

So, among the other numerous characteristics that we share, T and I are continually discussing our love-hate relationship with Taylor Swift and her oh-so-catchy songs. However, we’re having some difficulty getting around the plot in her new-ish single “Love Story.” It seems simple enough, right? It’s about doomed lovers Romeo and Juliet. They meet at a party, are driven apart by parents, sneak around parents and eventually die because of a miscommunication. You might ask, why would Taylor Swift write a song about one of the most tragic literary romances of time? (Ignoring the fact she should have enough of her own to write about, without needing historical reference.)

Well, it might be because Taylor not only cuts the story off where they’re happy and getting married, but also CHANGES it significantly, making the entire rest of Shakespeare’s work unnecessary. Example A, last verse:

“Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that’s all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story, baby just say yes”

Analysis: Creative license for the proposal is fine – I don’t know how hard it is to put iambic pentameter to song. However, does anyone think that after hating the Montagues for generations, Signor Capulet would just like, “okay, Romeo, just because you love my daughter that much, go ahead and marry her. I’m happy for you kids.” No. He wouldn’t. So, by adding that little line, Taylor just completely changed all of Act 4 and 5, and instead Romeo and Juliet go off in marital bliss A few years later, she pops out a couple of kids, he gets a gut and does the Renaissance equivalent of sitting on the couch watching TV all day…and you get the point? Totally uninteresting.

In honor of this, T and I came up with other things to “Swift” (if you still don’t get the word, it means to completely change a historical (love) story to suit a song, and therefore make it inaccurate and uninteresting). Here we go!

1. TITANIC

Song version of Titanic (we’re going with the love story in the movie for this one). How about the story stays the same for the first fourth of the movie or so. Jack is poor, Rose is rich, she has a d-bag fiance who orders her around, Jack and Rose meet and hang out below decks, he draws her naked, etc. etc. Now, for the Swifted change, they’re running away from Cal’s evil henchmen, but instead of going to have sex in a car below decks, they go have sex in a lifeboat. Well, little iceberg watch people notice this, and are being total creepers, but lo and behold, right beyond the view of this particular lifeboat, they see the faint outline of an icebeg. They call the bridge, alert the captain, who steers out of the way, and the Titanic never hits an iceberg. It arrives in New York just fine, Jack and Rose live a spontaneous yet unfulfilled life because they never had to test their love in the face of a distaster.

Cons: you can’t drag your hand across a steamy window if you’re in a lifeboat.

2. ATONEMENT

Our first thought was to get rid of the little sister all together. Then we realized there was no story, so we couldn’t do that. So we settled for the chocolate factory man not to rape their cousin. We’ll say he doesn’t even come with Leon to dinner. Then, the obnoxious little sister wouldn’t have been suspicious of anything, no sex in the library would have been interrputed, and Robbie wouldn’t have been incorrectly framed. He wouldn’t have gone to prison, and he and Cecilia would emigrate to America to  escape the pressure they face between class differences. He wouldn’t go to war, and she wouldn’t be in a subway tunnel during an air raid. So, they become American citizens and live in the Midwest for the rest of their lives.

Cons: WWII would still happen, no matter what. Even Taylor couldn’t write around that.

3. THE ILIAD/TROY

There are a couple ways to write around this one. 1) Paris steals Helen and Menelaus is like, whatevs, that incredibly effeminate boy with the stupid dip-dyed robes can have my wife. There are plenty more to choose from in the world. So there’s no war, Achilles never gets hit in the foot and he’s still around today, wandering confusedly around Times Square. But again, that leaves us with…no story. So, how about the war continues the way it actually did (or did in the movie), except Brad Pitt’s cousin/boyfriend in the story doesn’t get killed and because of that, they’re in a different place during that last end battle. So he and the actress who ran off with director Robert Rodrieguez live happily for a little bit on his awesome island, until the “New Moon”-ish battle overtakes them – what happens when he’s immortal and she’s not? Biting her neck won’t really do anyone any good, so basically, once she realizes that, she wallows around in grief for the rest of her life.

Cons: nothing for Latin students to do in high school.

4. ROMAN HOLIDAY

First of all, George Peppard would be in this one too. Making smoking look hot. Instead of the bittersweet ending where he sees her at the press conference all regal, knowing she’s doing what she has to, she runs off the podium into his arms and decides she loves him more than she wants to be cooped up as a princess.They live happy and contented, but she gets frustrated with his callous journalist behavior and demeanor, and suspects him of planning to write a tell-all novel, “I convinced the Princess to leave the throne for me.” Like any other wife of the 50s, she quietly does nothing.

Cons: Breakfast at Tiffany’s wouldn’t have to be made.

THE LAST WORD:

“It’s not fun unless someone dies.” – T, on Shakespeare’s writing motivations.

News Briefs – February 7, 2009

NEWS BRIEFS FOR FEBRUARY 7, 2009

by H, TSD Staff Writer

CHAPEL HILL, NC – TSD NEWS SERVICES – INCONSISTENT FCC CENSORING CONFUSES RADIO LISTENERS

The government often makes confusing and strange decisions, but among the most confusing agencies lies the Federal Communications Commission, whose influence in television and radio censorship affects millions of technology users every day. Recently, FCC radio censorship has become increasingly more random, allowing some “offensive” words yet dismissing others.

While listening to G105′s “Club 105″ one Friday night, frequent listener T noticed that several popular songs had words removed, while questionable themes and concepts – often racy or violent – were continued.

“FCC, what were you thinking?” T asked, in reference to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s use of “hoes” in the early 90s. “But you can’t say ‘crack’.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC – TSD NEWS SERVICES – READERS OF WOMEN’S MAGAZINES EVALUATE TECHNIQUES TO PLEASE MEN

Women’s magazine Cosmopolitan often includes margin notes for women – including last-minute beauty tips, fashion advice and newly-created seduction tips. While some women pass over these notes in favor of front-page articles, they often include a wealth of information for the new seductress. Recently, Cosmo suggested stripping techniques for women, to give men a “preview.”

Along with clothing suggestions, Cosmo recommended a Guitar Hero favorite as soundtrack: Guns N’ Roses “Sweet Child of Mine.” However, is this guy-friendly power rock a good song to remove your clothes by, or would it remind your man to tune you out and reach for his plastic guitar (no pun intended)?

“I think it would be a good song (to strip to),” said T. TSD News Services was not able to confirm a confirmation date when she would try this for a follow up.

COPYRIGHT 2009 TSD – THE SKETCHY DOOR

7 things I hate about you…wait…25 things about myself…same thing.

1. Sometimes I think I’d like a Pottery Barn life. Complete with cubbies for wet rain boots, a slightly messy desk with apothecary jars and the chalkboard behind the kitchen counter with notes about what my family’s doing that night.
2. The reason I flinch when people hug me is because I have a huge 17-year-old brother who thinks it’s fun to greet me by picking me up off the ground and popping my back. If you want to hug me and not do that, be my guest.
3. My new goal is to spend 10 minutes a day reading a book that is not assigned yet good for me.
4. I should have let my grandparents teach me Chinese when I was seven, like they wanted to. Now I’ve chosen to study a dead language and a language whose speaking population is shrinking.
5. I always wear my UVA shirt on the first day of the ACC Tournament in honor of the school I almost went to. That, and because with any luck, we don’t play the first day.
6. I’m kind of convinced I’m the worst reporter in the world.
7. I embody everything wrong with the Carolina student mentality that we think (know – see?) that we’re better than everyone else.
8. I actually tear up when I watch a UNC basketball montage. I miss the old one – the new one isn’t as good.
9. I used to have waist-long hair.
10. I was the biggest band geek in high school. I actually loved those uniforms. Luckily I’m over that.
11. I can’t parallel park. Or drive a stick shift. Or back into parking spots.
12. I have to get a vertical license this May. It’s quite possibly the most demeaning thing to ever happen to me.
13. I don’t particularly like spicy food or scary movies.
14. Sometimes I’ve considering either leaving college/never using my college degree and doing something with my hands: being a chef, a wedding planner or a photographer. (note from T: or a hand model).
15. I read the last Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book and the last Princess Diaries book: both of which came out this year.
16. I want to hate the Manning brothers so much but I can’t stop watching their commercials on youtube.
17. I trip over everything. Last week, I fell up the stone steps of Carroll and dropped my coffee. Last year, I fell up the spiral steps of the UL, threw my coffee, which went down a flight of stairs and I still have the scar. No wonder my grandparents didn’t want me to hike up a mountain in Hawaii. My grandmother said I inherited her family trait of clumsiness, which her mother told her “she’d never get a husband.” Oh well.
18. I love arm/hand veins on guys. I don’t care if that sounds creepy, but to me that just says “manly”.
19. I hate poetry. Especially epic poetry. You would too if you had to read the Iliad in English AND Latin.
20. I don’t believe in a favorite movie, a favorite band or a favorite song. (Favorite colors are allowed, because that’s what you dress in, what color notebooks you buy and what color piece you want to be in board games.) Because you can’t put everything about yourself into one tiny little entity that then becomes the expression of your existence.
21. I was definitely on the fair-weather fan bandwagon when the Hurricanes won the Stanley Cup. Truth: I don’t care all that much about hockey. But fun fact: my parents both played in college. I’m the non-athletic one in the family.
22. My dad bought me an NSYNC t-shirt last week from a hidden vault at the place where I saw Live in Madison Square Garden 8 years ago.
23. I do not hide my emotions well at all. If you’re stupid/annoying/obnoxious/need-to-stop-talking-at-this-minute-or-I-will-kill-you, you will definitely know.
24. My favorite deadly sin: pride.
25. I love to cook.

love,

H

weirdy beardy

men who look best with no beard:

Jake Gyllenhall

Zac Efron (not sure he can grow facial hair)

President Barack Obama (cause he’s president, duh)

Leonardo DiCaprio (titanic-era leo)

John Krasinski

Matt Damon

Ben Affleck

James McAvoy

Ed Westwick (you just can’t hide that jawline)

John Stamos (as Uncle Jesse, because in the present-day, he looks like Rufus Humphrey, which is a bad thing)

Penn Badgley (same about the jawline)

Matt LeBlanc

Matthew Perry

Adam Brody (just Google him with a beard. it’s gross)

James Franco (hot damn)

James Marsden

men who look best with scruff:

Patrick Dempsey

Jack from Lost (Matthew Fox)

Brad Pitt

Eric McCormack (without it he looks gay)

Robert Pattinson (the only reason we watched Harry Potter 4 again)

Justin Chambers (Alex Karev)

men who look best with a beard:

Johnny Depp (didn’t think anyone really could pull off a full mustache)

Eric Dane (McSteamy)

Orlando Bloom

undecided:

John Mayer (T: clean, H: scruff)

Chace Crawford (T: clean, H: scruff)